The big dilemma

This is a dilemma that occupies too much of my brain, often when I'm walking by myself.

I fear that I'm going to be saying this too much nowadays, but, once again, "as Elizabeth Gilber wrote"... now that I'm in my early 30s, it seems like having a child soon is the prudent thing to do, mainly because now is the right time, biologically. I don't even know if this is the same thing as a biological clock. Isn't the biological clock the irrational feeling that you desperately want a baby, no matter if your life is ready?

I know, I know. My life is as ready as it absolutely needs to be. I'm happily married. We are both employed, etc. etc.

But we are so not ready!!! Maybe a few more, just to get the point across:!!!!!

But then I second guess myself and I think, well, maybe I think I'm not ready, but really that's just fear. But I'm not supposed to be afraid of the things I'm afraid of. Aside from the normal fear of pushing a slippery bag of cat food out my hoohoo (give or take a few pounds, hopefully take), I am seriously afraid of not getting enough sleep, having to get up really early after not having gotten enough sleep, falling asleep in my soup because of being overly tired, being way more cranky than I already am, due to extreme fatigue.

Aside from the sleep deprivation (a very real fear, I'm not making this up), there is the one about having to be on a strict schedule. Currently, I leave work when I feel like it. If I slack off a little bit during the day, I simply stay an extra hour. My job is not geared toward leaving work at 5 o'clock on the dot to rush home to pick up Junior at daycare. I've never had a job like that, actually. How does that even work? I guess one has to start the workday much earlier. And give up exercising in the morning, for sure. People with kids, it seems, go to the gym at lunch or take their kids with them to the gym, if they are so lucky as to belong to a gym with a daycare. That right there is depressing enough. I hate gyms.

And then there is this. I spend how many hours at home awake during the work week? Three per night, maybe? Assuming I did change my schedule so that I'm home at 6, then there are maybe 4 hours in the evening before I crash because presumably I'll be getting up before dawn in this wonderful babyful fantasy world.

Four hours per night is not a lot. And it's less than four hours spent with the kid, since the kid presumably will not go to bed at 10, although I guess you never know. Why do we want to throw our lives into chaos, just so that we can shuffle the kid off to daycare?

Of course I don't want to quit my job to have a kid. I haven't accomplished anything of note in my "career" yet, so why would I give it all up now? I say, oh well all I have to do is get a freelance gig going so that I can still work. Oh sure, easy enough. And people at work are always lobbying to get the one day a week where they work from home. As if that makes it all worthwhile! So one day a week the person is not giving work or the kid their full attention. Perfect situation!

Jeff and I don't want to give up traveling or eating out at nice restaurants. And I don't want to be the person who hasn't bought new shoes in years because all the money goes toward the kid.

So, does this all add up to our not really wanting kids??? Aren't we supposed to feel this incredible pang to give up everything we hold dear now so that we can instead hold dear a little mewling, puking, shitting infant?